A co-worker gave me a bag of Starbucks coffee that she decided she didn't like. She thought the X-Bold on the label referred to the caffeine content rather than the flavor. This fuzzy logic makes sense if you consider that she works the over night shift, and anything that might help her stay awake would be preferable. When I opened the bag, my first impression was that it smelled like dried cat piss. Similar to when a male cat sprays an area, but you don't know exactly where until several days later you put your nose to the spot and suddenly you think...a cat peed here. That's what it smelled like. I politely took it and explained to her that I no longer drank coffee due to digestive problems, but I would pass it on to a friend who was an avid coffee drinker who might appreciate its bold french roast flavor. I lied, I still drink coffee. I didn't want her to feel bad because her coffee smelled like urine.
On my day off, I became curious about this X-BOLD coffee. Maybe I was being too judgmental. I decided to brew a pot. I used a little less of it in order to water down some of its boldness. I tried to pretend it made my apartment smell like a trendy downtown coffee house, but I knew it was only make it smell more like cat piss than it already did because of my cat Donald's litter box. I added milk, and sugar to mask the taste, yet it still tasted like coffee that had sat on the burner all after noon long. Why would anyone drink coffee that already tasted burnt?
I finished one pot, and decided to make another. I added more coffee to this one thinking that perhaps I had spoiled it by watering it down the first time. By now I had been drinking coffee all afternoon and I was beyond buzzed. I was caffeine drunk. I felt disoriented, couldn't focus and had this strange urge to play Lady Gaga on Napster. I began to wonder if maybe there wasn't a secret ingredient, an X factor that they added to this coffee...so I made a third pot. Then I lost three hours. I don't know where they went. All I know is that I looked at my watch and it was 7:30 in the evening, and I could have sworn it was only 4:30 in the afternoon. I either blacked out, or discovered the secret to time travel.
After this, I've decided to avoid caffeine for a while.
